Hello everyone. My name is Ella Richie Teresa DeMaria, thank you for having me. It's an honor and a blessing to be here and to be welcomed to this community and invited to speak. Thank you for all who are here, in body or in spirit, seen and unseen, welcome welcome. My talk is called “Harmony in Wounded Beauty.” I'll get into what I mean by that, but first I wanted to start with a meditation from the Science of Mind by Ernest Holmes.
Beauty. I behold the beautiful and the pleasant. My eyes see only that which is beautiful to look upon. I will not see anything else, nor believe in anything else. I know that beauty has entered into my life and will always remain there. I see only the beautiful.
And as we close our eyes, I would like us to imagine each individually a very beautiful place. Perhaps our favorite beautiful place or a place we just love to be in.
And good morning. As we come out of our meditation. I hope your mind is filled with beautiful thoughts and visions of beauty, and what a beautiful day it is raining or snowing in Yucca Valley. And I wanted to begin with beauty, because it's with us every single day. No matter how cruel the world may be, no matter how ugly and devastating the news can be. everyday there's sunlight, everyday there's shadow, there is sound, there are stars and aurorae beyond our eyesight. We live in a beautiful place and we're surrounded by beauty. We can hear it in the birds songs. For myself, if I'm having a tough day sometimes I just try to find something in the world that fascinates me, and just focus on that. Something to take in that is beyond our own imagination.
And there's inner beauty. It's not all about what is outside us and around us, but it's our own capacity to see things, ourselves, and see others in a beautiful light. You don't need to be in a postcard beautiful setting, you don't need to be in a beautiful situation, you don't need to be considered beautiful. The fabric of consciousness itself, there's a beauty to that. Within all of our imaginations we have the capacity to create an image of somewhere and something softer and kinder than whatever may be harming us. There's a beauty in our being able to open our mouths and be heard, and there's a beauty in our ability to open our hearts and be felt. A beauty in our ability to receive one another in spaces like these.
The title of my talk, Harmony in Wounded Beauty, actually comes from an astrology app, AstroMatrix. So whatever you may think of that arcane science or pseudoscience or art form, sometimes there is wisdom in it, at least for me. This configuration refers to a transit wherein one's sense of beauty or pleasure or lovability is challenged by their deepest wounds, their inner wounds, and these might be ones we've carried from childhood. We have the agency to turn our emotional injuries into a form of power, treating our own fragility with kindness, and using that as a way to help others.
My hope is that we come away with the affirmation, to quote the app: that we are capable of embracing our wounds and transforming them into sources of wisdom and resilience, and to harnessing the freedom that lies within.
A bit about me. I was born in Santa Barbara and grew up on the coast in the town of Goleta. I moved out to the Joshua Tree area in 2020 amidst the pandemic, but have been called to this land for many years prior. In my spare time I love to hang out with my dog Indigo, spend time outdoors, take photos, talk to friends, cook, listen to music, play music. I have worked before for the National Park Service and I currently work for Mojave Desert Land Trust.
I am transgender. I'm proud to be transgender. Some positions of higher power may tell you such a thing is non-existent, they may make me illegal. To them I say let God be the judge of me, for I stand before you. A trans creation sharing the same planet. Walking the same earth, breathing the same air. And. The light that greets you is the same one that greets me in the morning. At sunrise. We're all in this together, and we don't have to condemn based on something so outward as a body. But here I am. Being judged, as you may have heard, by many in this nation, and it's nothing new. When I grew up. I was bullied pretty often, I remember even as early as kindergarten, for being too girly or being too gay or whatever it may have been, but one way or another, I stood out to my peers as uncomfortably unusual and worth making fun of. Kids can be very cruel and some of the ones I knew left some scars that went beyond the typical.
I guess it would be easy enough to say to write these off as childhood wounds that the wisdom of time could give me the benefit of overcoming but. Check out the political landscape. I carry within me these challenges, past and present, but sometimes it feels like I live on the day-to-day reacting to the present from past conditioning and past conditions.
From an early age, I’ve been told from churches, pop culture and otherwise, LGBTQ people are bound to hell. I was already a pretty self-critical person, so when there's an omnipresent kind of institutional belief that you and people like you are rejectable inherently, that no matter what you do, intrinsically, you don't have a place in heaven, and you barely deserve a place on Earth without harassment, at least, well, these are thoughts and feelings I've internalized in many times and ways in my life. And I've always had a degree of suspicion for any kind of spiritual group or religious group, because often.
Enlightenment and salvation and kindness and charity all come with a certain condition, that some people in particular are not afforded the same graces and are not blessed with the same forgiveness as others, being examples of the wayward path, or God’s mistakes, or God’s wrath. Often you hear people proclaim that people like me are mentally ill and destined to hell. Even if it were so. I must learn somehow to see myself as worthy of this life. Because here I am, like you. And I have to, just like you.
After college, before I had transitioned, I started going on solo backpacks and spending time in the outdoors, alone in my mid 20s. And I've really found it therapeutic overtime. To just listen to birds, to frogs, to insects, to water, to wind, to trees. To surround myself in beautiful places, places that were not made by mankind but the divine hand of Nature. it's not through congregations or under the roofs of groups of people who might judge me, but in the rotunda and amphitheaters of Mother Nature, that I felt connected to a divine. There have been times I swear the animals and the water were making music in sync. There are times and places where the world seems to be moving in harmony and a greater harmony than I or any of us can really calculate or rationalize, a world making music. The mountain stream that sings its song alone finds a special existence when we hear it.
And it's time like these I learned to find peace in my own company. For I am a part of the composition, even if I am left off the sheet music. And to remember that all of us, all of our souls, run deeper than the external judgments others put on us, and we upon ourselves. We can find strength in those qualities others mock us for. When we have been the victim for long enough, we realize instead we are the enduring, we are the survivor, we are the overcomer. We can remind them we are a part of the world, and there is the light of God in us too.
It’s funny how as I’ve started doing what is quote un quote unnatural, my life has organically opened up to the paths I’m meant to tread. I have found when I have transitioned, and lived more authentically, others have come to understand me better too, and vice versa. In fact, the thing that would seem to separate me from the collective has brought me closer to others than ever.
When I lived my life as a guy, internally, that was an almost unwinnable battle. The level of sorrow I felt, and above all, the level of contradiction like I had an inner surveillance camera. Watching and hearing every word and thing I said. A higher power of sorts, but an aggressive, rule-keeping kind. Flagellating me attacking me, and nothing was ever enough, and everything I did fundamentally wrong. This manifested in things like anorexia. Wherein I weighed less than I did now and thought I was overweight, at age 13. And it's times like that where the mind becomes armed with butcher knives and chainsaws and cuts down the very image of me and the potential of me, a withering stock in the feeling that death would be better than living in this world, with all its hate and needless stress. To me it seemed at the time the most perfect I could thing I could be for anyone was dead. I didn't want to be a man. I didn't want to be a woman. I just. Didn't want to keep going.
As funny as it may sound to a lot of people in this nation and this world, hormone therapy, actually, helps me believe in something like a higher power. I feel it has softened me internally and externally. And there's a kind of gentle light that's fallen on the world. There's this kind of nice cohesion that comes when all of a sudden you feel not only comfortable in your own skin, but cohabitant with your own soul. And I don't know how else to say that. But I'm being honest. And I do believe we all share together on this earth, even the people who hate me and would judge me. I know we share between us an energy, a life force, a spirit that transcends the body and transcends the gender. And even if you disdain me, I just think, you are me too, I am you too. We are one human conscience condemning and celebrating itself.
Sometimes it feels like we are all panels on a moving zoetrope, and the light shines from within the core of humanity, and we are all perforated with individually beautiful designs of fragilities and complexities through which the light emanates through; and rounding as we do, together we create a moving picture of the whole, each of us a part of it.
My friend Marina once said to me, “Try to see yourself through the eyes of a God who would love you anyways.” I'm sure everyone in this room has had times where you feel like you're not good enough or you're never enough, whether it's you're not good enough at your job. You’re not there enough for your kids. You’re not following your calling. You're not good enough to yourself or others’ expectations one way or another. Everybody hurts, everybody was a wounded child.
And my friend's words encourage me to try to see myself and others through the eyes of a God who would love me no matter what. To overcome the judgments that are not just inside me, but all around me. For having lived so much of life in opposition to myself, I have had to learn how to love even the half of me I or others may hate. And I recognize we all walk with inner wounds.
Transitioning is full of ups and downs and contradictions and difficulties and joys. I think there's a feeling or perception that when someone understands who they are, they've reached a kind of liberation and they're free, and then I run into walls, in a world that won't necessarily let me enjoy that freedom unfettered, and an overthinking mind that complicates things all the more.
It takes a certain degree of adaptability to move through the world, as one will, as one does, when left and right, there is a fundamental question of what you are and who are you and where do you belong. This Bathroom or that bathroom, this passport or that passport and in fact, do you belong at all? I think a lot of people would say in my case, no, I don't belong. So these can cause wounds in my sense of self-esteem and identity, and I’ve directed them upon myself at times.
I'm not an invulnerable tank against the world, and I'm not impervious to self-doubt. Self-doubt is unfortunately one of my most frequent co-pilots and steers me into ditches I find hard to dig out of. I have lived a lot of life under a sense of external and internal contradiction and limitation. Almost every religion or politic that proclaims a unity of the soul or society will yet divide and conquer the collective soul across the physical bodies of the human plane through governing rules and punishments. And then they call it God.
Life, death, rebirth. Birth, stability, destruction. This, that, and the other thing. Threes are important in religion of all kinds, from Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam. In Christianity we got the Holy Trinity, in Buddhism there’s the three jewels of Buddha, in Hinduism there’s the Hindu Trimurti. In Islam, many acts are done in sets of threes. There is the triple goddess of Wicca. The three pure ones of Taoism. There's a lot of threes out there. Third times the charm, three strikes, you're out. And also, many cultures recognize a third gender. Can we not see trans, third-gender, two-spirit, nonbinary, intersex people as unique intermediaries? When so many faiths honor a third, why can’t we?
I think it’s great that Shiva, the Hindu god of destruction, is often depicted as dancing, for destruction is its own act of creation. Whatever weird ride my soul is on somehow I find harmony in the wounded beauty of my body as I transition. in my experience in transitioning, that's its own kind of life, death and rebirth. I already lived a full life, and it’s been a wonderful blessing, full of fun, full of love. I just had this inner contradiction that felt hard to overcome, that was hard to coexist with. In the process I know that in the end, there's a limit on all of our lives, and everything is fleeting. We all come and go and yet there is always something that follows after death. Wildflowers bloom after wildfires. There is always more room for transformation. Transitioning has given me experience of revitalization and cast my life in a whole new light.
And I found in my transition, I found in me the ability to look back on my past struggles with a lighter light and just say, hey, it's OK. Richie or Ella, you were really struggling and that's all right. And see myself from this kind of maternal perspective, as if I were a little kid awkwardly growing into a future adult and to see my current self now as someone helping that kid out. I can see myself pre-emptively in resting, before the final rest, covered in dirt and without shelter, and look down from above and say you know, you are still whole, you are still worthwhile, no matter what you’ve done or who you are, you are worthy of love. See oneself as part of the beauty of the world, because you are. You are a part of life. Your existence is part of the life story we all share. Let yourself be, without judgment.
Try to see ourselves through the eyes of a God who loves us anyways. See ourselves as part of a bigger divine spirit, materially and immaterially. We are nature and we are derivatives of divinity. There are times where I've had to call upon faith because I didn't know where I was going in the wilderness. I couldn't see at all. It was like Blair Witch project in Kings Canyon National Park. I got a little lost stargazing. And lost my sight of the tent, and was up all night. But I knew the sunrise would come, especially if I just laid down and stopped trying to find the way. And there are times like that where I had to say, just hold on, just hold on. In that moment, laying on a windswept rock in the night, totally lost, I had to trust there was more for me ahead. There have been times where I just had to hold onto faith, and know the sunrise would come, to just hold on and just believe that there is a way out of here, and there is a freer path forward.
All of us have the capacity to rewrite whatever limiting narratives we've lived within. And it doesn't have to be about gender. Certainly not. It can be about any self-limiting belief we have about either our own potential or our own sense of belonging on this earth, our own sense of being as much a part of creation as the Joshua Tree or the Roadrunner. These kind of things that we say as indisputable, we can declare to ourselves. I'm indisputable too. No matter the law.
And even more to know that it is both a human and a divine struggle to work through the challenges of life. It doesn't come easy, but as I grow older I see myself not like a lot of people do as crawling ever closer to death, losing every ounce of my youth. No, I feel proud that I'm growing like an oak. Maybe gnarled, maybe knobby, but with every new limb, a story with every new wrinkle. A history and just this feeling that I have endured at this point and that's given me an inner faith and an inner conviction to know that I can keep going and I'm not afraid. Because the light is on my side. I'm not afraid. And hey, why not, I’m beautiful. You’re beautiful.
I want to leave with this meditation on beauty. And reflect upon a dream I had once during a time in my life where I was feeling depressed and uncertain of my future. It was a dream where there was an abandoned beach house at the foot of a cliff and I went inside with a handsome surfer. The house hadn't been visited for decades, there was sand on the floor and it was dark. And then I walked through the house and I opened up the back door, and the door opened up to open ocean and sunlight. And from inside the house burst forth all these butterflies flying outward, and light touched the house for the first time in decades. Hundreds of butterflies were reflecting in the ocean, some of them were swimming in the ocean and others. Taking to the sky. And there was this feeling like the butterflies had been waiting for many many years to let out, and they had been waiting for me to free them. I wanna offer that vision to you. Today, let that inner beauty that you harness, that we all harness, in the dusty shelves of our self radiate outward as we walk through the day and remember that we are beautiful fabric part and parcel of the world. We exist. Were part of the story of the universe. And. No matter what human laws and lies me say there are other and bigger laws at hand, and we're a part of them too. So thanks for having me and have a beautiful day.